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I Said No


Soundtrack: The Rolling Stones “Brown Sugar”

Sarah McLachlan “Possession”

Denise really liked Deion. She loved going out of her way to walk past the basketball court in her most flattering shorts, hoping he would be out there playing on the “Skins” team. She was mesmerized by his charisma, his smile, his abs.

Denise’s best friend Shannon started talking to Deion’s best friend Randall. Shannon and Randall would hang out at Deion’s house after school before Deion’s mom got home from work. Sometimes Denise would tag along. She wouldn’t say much. What could she say? What was she supposed to say? This was DEION, for heaven’s sake.

Deion had a girlfriend who lived across town. They only saw each other on weekends. Knowing this, Denise was determined not to allow herself to like Deion too much. No point in teasing herself. She wanted a man of her own. Sometimes being around Deion felt like torture. All the things she wanted to say. All the things she wanted to do.

Deion and Shannon were both virgins. And they were both ready to be done with that shit. Denise had vivid fantasies about how she wanted her first time to be. Candlelit room. Trey Songz playing softly in the background. Lavender scented sheets. And with a boyfriend who she was in love with, of course. But there was no boyfriend right now.

During school, on the first day of Spring, Deion and Randall decided that today was the day. They were going to fuck Denise and Shannon. No more waiting. The girls obviously both wanted it. They just had to bring the girls out of their shells.

When the crew got to Deion’s house after school, they didn’t chill in the living room like normal. Deion led Denise to his mom’s bedroom. Randall led Shannon to Deion’s bedroom. Mom’s room stinked. Mom smoked cigarettes like her life depended on it. The tv was on. Playing a VHS tape on the VHS/DVD player. Mom’s old copy of Master P’s “I’m Bout It” the movie. The opening scene featured Master P shooting one of his dope dealer employees in the thigh for frontin muthafuckas free dope.

“Why you keep bullshittin?” Deion asked.

“Whatchu talkin bout?” Denise responded.

“You be eyeing me like a nigga don’t exist. Girl, you know you want this dick” Deion said with a smirk.

Denise told him “Nigga you ain’t all that! And my goodies are strictly reserved for my man.”

“You ain’t gonna never have a man cuz you know you really wanna be with me.”

“Even if i did wanna be with you, you already got a girlfriend. You need to be focused on her.”

“I ain’t worried bout her. I’m with you right now. I’m focused on these thick ass thighs in front of me.” Deion caressed her legs. Denise let out a slight moan, then she slid back away from him.

“Deion, you gotta stop. I don’t want nobody’s sloppy seconds.”

“You calling me sloppy?” Deion took off his shirt to reveal his chiseled torso. “Does this look sloppy to you?”

Denise melted inside. But she kept on her poker face. “It look like it ain’t mine. I’m not interested.”

“Girl, quit playin” said Deion as he stepped closer to Denise and cupped her breasts.

“Stop it, Deion! I’m not playin!”

Deion didn’t say anything else. He laid on top of Denise. He kissed her neck. He slid his hands behind her to grab her ass. Denise squirmed and kicked, failing horribly to get from underneath the weight of his body. She was confused. She didn’t understand what was happening. She couldn’t fathom that the guy for whom she had the hugest crush in the world had decided to take away her right to choose.

“What are you doing, Deion? You gotta stop. We can’t do this.”

Deion lifted her skirt above her waist. He pulled his shorts down to his knees. He pulled her panties to the side. He entered her. He made his body One with hers. Despite Denise’s constant pleas for him to get off of her, her body betrayed her. He slid right in. She was wet. She kept getting wetter with every rough stroke. Her arms were in pain where Deion grabbed her to hold her down. She bled. She cried. She stopped fighting.

Denise started to feel like she wasn’t in her body. She was somewhere else. Looking down on her body as if the tall, dark, and handsome basketball player was violating the inside of some other girl. She came instantly back into her body when she felt a rush of energy build up in her genitals and then move through her in waves. His pumps were getting more and more forceful. He moaned and grunted. They came together. He came inside of her. He left his seed inside of her to continue moving within her against her will even after he had pulled himself out.

Deion’s grunts of ecstasy had happened simultaneously as the ones coming from Randall across the hallway. The boys exited the rooms at the same time and went to sit on the living room couch. 5 minutes later, the girls exited the rooms too. They walked down the hall, through the living room, and out of the front door without exchanging a word with each other or with the boys…

That night Denise talked to the one confidante that she was sure wouldn’t judge her, her journal:
I didn’t wanna have sex with him. I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. I wanted my first time to be with my boyfriend. Why was I so wet? Did I have an orgasm? Did I want it? Did I make him do that? I don’t know what to think…


No means No. Non-consensual sex is rape. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. It is unacceptable. It is reprehensible. It is indefensible. It happens everyday. I shudder to think about how many girls there are in Denise’s position who don’t really know if they are raped. Can’t figure out why their body seemed to like a situation that was so scary and unwanted. Confused. Embarrassed. Afraid to tell anyone. And permanently scarred.

As a healer of women, I witness the effects of the rape culture in America everyday. It is the biggest issue that I deal with in my quest to help women experience bliss. Rape, incest, and molestation are the 10,000 pound elephant in America’s room. We’re not talking about it. I’ve never in my life seen a program or class that talked to young boys about learning healthy ways to handle their sexual energy and why they must never have sex with a woman who says no. I’ve never seen a program or class that talked to girls specifically about how to avoid getting into situations where they can be sexually violated and what to do if they do end up in that horrible situation. I would like to think that these programs exist somewhere, but I haven’t seen them, which means they’re not prevalent enough.

If I could, I would chop off the penis, then the hands, then the head of every rapist on the planet. That would be my preferred method of dealing with the problem. But there are some logistical issues with that solution. As an alternative, I am asking us to become more diligent about speaking up. Speak to the young people in your life about these issues. Tell your stories from your life, either as the rape victim or the perpetrator. I have never seen a man say that he had raped a woman in the past, but he learned the error of his ways, and he wants to atone. Do any guys like that exist?

Almost every single woman that I’ve ever gotten really close to has told me a story about her being raped. Almost all of them. I can’t sit idly by and do nothing as another generation of girls grows up like this. I hope someone out there is willing to help me with this.

2 thoughts on “I Said No

  1. I was raped in college by my boyfriend. I never imagined that rape could fall within one of my relationships and with someone I loved. But it happened several times before I realized how much of an abusive relationship I was in. I pushed it to the side and it was like it never happened until one day the painful memories came up suddenly. I don’t know what can help men. I know I feel uncomfortable being alone with men even if I’ve known them awhile because I just never know if they are going to respect my wishes. Overall, I’ve developed an inability to trust being alone with men and have met a lot of men that feel their desire to be sexual with me is more important than how I feel. I don’t understand why a person would want to engage sexually with a person that didn’t mutually feel the same way.

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